Season Two 1956-1957:​​​

Produced and Staged by Nat Hiken
Additional Staging by Charles Friedman
Directed by Al De Caprio
Director of Photography: William J. Miller
Production Manager: M. Clay Adams
Recording Engineer: James Shields
Art Director: Richard Jackson
Additional Art Direction by Robert Rowe Paddock
Film Editor: Ray Sandiford
Musical Supervisor: John Strauss
Additional Music by Hank Sylvern
Coordinator: Kevin Pines
Supervised by Edward J. Montague
Settings: Jack Landau
Re-Recording by Dichter Sound Studios, Inc.
Filmed by Kenco Films Incorporated

  1. Onset
Based at Fort Baxter, Roseville, Kansas

35. Platoon in the Movies

First aired 18 September 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Tony Webster/Billy Friedberg

The motor pool is chosen to take part in an army training film on spark plugs, with Doberman playing Private All-thumbs. During a break Bilko takes the chance to make his own training film, 'What Every Young Spark Plug Should Know', with WAC's dancing. And the Pentagon loves it!!

36. It's for the Birds (aka The $64,000 Question)

First aired 25 September 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg

Ernie looks around for somebody to go on the TV quiz show The $64,000 Question. He then finds out that Corporal Ed Honnegar, whilst snowbound in the Arctic, memorised a whole 'everything you need to know about birds' book. Honnegar goes on the show and he is doing brilliantly. Up to $32,000 easily and then he accidently hits his head and all the birds fly out of his head!

37. Bilko Goes to College

First aired 2 October 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Leonard Stern/Tony Webster/Billy Friedberg

Bilko and his platoon are sent to Schmill College to teach the ROTC students transport maintenance. Whilst there, Bilko finds out that Millionaire's son Justin Pearce Junior owes local gangster, Big Ed Macmillan, $1000. Ernie says he'll teach the gangster a lesson for him. He puts $100 on Schmill football team to beat Notre Dame in the season's opener at odds of 1000-1. Even though in the last 12 years Schmill have never scored against Notre Dame and over 100 points have been scored against Schmill in all of the matches. Although he knows he has no chance Ernie organises a publicity campaign that has Big Ed quaking in his boots. So nervous he even tries to buy back his bet.

38. The Girl from Italy

First aired 9 October 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Leonard Stern/Billy Friedberg/Tony Webster

In New York, Bilko helps Barbella out with a family crisis: Rocco's brother, Angie, has had an arranged marriage prepared for him but he doesn't want to marry the 'peasant' girl that he is supposed to wed. Bilko uses a strategy from the hit musical My Fair Lady to make her glamorous to get Angie jealous. The thing is Ernie now wants Rosa too!!

39. The Face on the Recruiting Poster

First aired 16 October 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Tony Webster/Leonard Stern/Billy Friedberg

Handsome new recruit Mike McClusty's power over women encourages Bilko to turn him into a movie star. McClusty has been followed from camp to camp by WAC's hiding in duffel bags!! He starts by trying to get Mike's face on the army recruiting poster. He gets Doberman to help the dim McClusty through the qualifying exam, but then Doberman passes instead and no one has the heart to tell him he is just too ugly. When Ernie and Duane arrive at the Pentagon they find that General Kramer looks very familiar and........

40. Bilko's War against Culture  (Photo click  Here)

First aired 23 October 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Aaron Rubin/Phil Sharp

Special Services turn up at Fort Baxter and start classes on art and dance and Bilko's platoon sign up!! The reason? The classes are run by two lovely ladies!! Bilko becomes desperate to get his men back gambling with him - so he arranges some gambling 'tie-ins' with the classes.

41. A Mess Sergeant Can't Win

First aired 13 November 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Tony Webster/Leonard Stern/Billy Friedberg

About to say goodbye to the army, Sergeant Rupert Ritzik avoids Bilko in case he loses his $400 nest egg to him. Ernie is aghast, so much so that he raises $400 for the Ritzik's to put towards their nest egg. But Rupert won't accept it as he fears he's trying to con him. Bilko then tries to give the money to Rupert by betting on ridiculous things, like his name isn't Ritzik and that Rupert was born in Hungary!

42. Doberman's Sister

First aired 20 November 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Tony Webster/Leonard Stern

Fort Baxter is hosting it's annual family day and Bilko's platoon start arranging who is going to go to it with whom. Not one person volunteers to take Duane Doberman's sister, Diane. Then, Bilko convinces Zimmerman that Diane is a raving beauty. He tells the platoon that Muscleman's Law and theory of family equalisation states that the uglier the brother the better looking the sister. He convinces them so well that even he starts to believe it!! So instead of Bilko taking Joan Hogan he takes Diane Doberman and......

43. Where There's a Will

First aired 27 November 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Leonard Stern/Billy Friedberg/Tony Webster

At a will reading an old buddy of Bilko's, Greg Chickering, is cut off by his late uncle with a single dollar and a one-eyed parrot called Cyclops. So Greg gets his former sarges' help. Taking Henshaw, Barbella, Doberman and Fleischman, Bilko visits the relatives and convinces them that the parrot means more than they thought. He tells them it holds the clue to a treasure map and....

Trivia: This episode is a parody of ‘The Maltese Falcon’

44. Bilko's Tax Trouble

First aired 4 December 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Leonard Stern/Billy Friedberg/Tony Webster

Bilko is accidently called to explain his earnings to tax investigators through an administrative error. Bilko thinks he is under attack for his rackets and protests so much that the tax department decide to search further into Bilko's 'charities' for his men and he has to prove that he made no profit from them.

45. Mink Incorporated

First aired 11 December 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Tony Webster

The platoon want to know from Ernie why there was $400 in their treasury but now there is only $300. Bilko tells them he lost it on a horse. Then Ernie has a brainwave he says he is going to pay all the cash back with the money he generates from breeding mink. But no matter what he does the two minks, named Mr and Mrs Kavanagh, won't get close to each other.

46. Sergeant Bilko Presents Ed Sullivan

First aired 18 December 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Terry Ryan

The Ed Sullivan show is working on a sketch called 'Salute to the army' and Ed insists that a GI from the Mid-West of America should get a part as a Jeep driver. Bilko gets a telegram offering him a part. Bilko thinks he's the star turn and promptly orders work in rehearsals on his production of the great song 'Granada' - Of course chaos ensues and......

Trivia: Playing themselves in this show is Ed Sullivan, Marlo Lewis, John Wray and Ray Bloch

47. Bilko Get's Some Sleep

First aired 25 December 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Tony Webster/Billy Friedberg

Bilko cannot sleep because of his bad conscience. The Camp psychiatrist gives him some advice and Ernie listens and takes heed. He gives up gambling and he even gets up for reveille. He can now sleep soundly; the trouble is no one else can!!

48. The Blue Blood of the Bilko’s

First aired 8 January 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Tony Webster

Biff, the son of CJ Bentonhurst, a Fort Baxter sergeant, is to marry a Philadelphia Main Line heiress, Penny Wingate. But her snooty family refuse to invite the boys father to the wedding because he is not a commissioned officer. Hopping mad, Bilko goes to Philadelphia to get the sergeant begged to attend the wedding. 

49. The Song of the Motor Pool

First aired 30 October 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/ Billy Friedberg/Tony Webster/Leonard Stern

The army starts a new audition show and Bilko's platoon try out for it with their tribute to Stephen Foster. Of course they are turned down because Captain Buckmaster says they want new material for the show. Then Ernie hears Paparelli humming a catchy tune in the shower. He decides to make it the Motor Pools new official song. Paparelli can only remember the song when he is in the shower however, so Bilko records it there, puts the song on paper and gets the platoon to hum it around Colonel Hall so that he thinks he made it up. The colonel then enters the song in the talent contest and..... 

50. Bilko's Engagement

First aired 6 November 1956 - Written by Phil Sharp/Terry Ryan

Bilko has an argument with Joan, so he finds himself in the 'doghouse' - He has an idea how to get back into her good books. He tells Doberman to go to the jewellers and pick him up the gold charm in the form of a doghouse. At the same time Kadowski wants his engagement ring picking up. Doberman gets the two items but gives them to the wrong women and......

51. Love That Guardhouse

First aired 15 January 1956 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Arnie Rosen /Coleman Jacoby

Rupert Ritzik goes AWOL in the middle of the night. He's sneaked off to Las Vegas after Bilko taunted him about being a bad gambler. He bets on double zero on the roulette wheel and wins $1750. All that next night and day Bilko and his fellow Sergeants, Grover and Birch, cover for Ritzik around the post. When he returns with his winnings the colonel finds out and locks him in the guardhouse to protect the money. So the other sergeants try there hardest to get in there with him.

Trivia: Sergeant Rupert Ritzik says ‘I knew it, I knew it’ for the first time in this show.

52. Sergeant Bilko Presents Bing Crosby

First aired 22 January 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Aaron Rubin/Phil Sharp

Ernie phones Everett Crosby to tell him that his client, Bing Crosby, has been voted by the camp as the 'singing discovery of the year.'  Bilko asks him when Bing will be at the camp to accept the award in person. He's told that Bing will divert to the camp via his trip to Topeka. Ernie collects $560 for the concert but he's then told that Bing isn’t coming after all. So he's stuck unless he finds a replacement Bing!!

Trivia: Playing themselves in this show is Bing Crosby and Everett Crosby.

53. Bilko Goes to Monte Carlo

First aired 29 January 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg

Bilko is up at for five nights in a row devising a foolproof system for winning at roulette. The whole camp then finances him for a trip to Las Vegas, but the colonel gets suspicious and declares Nevada off-limits to soldiers. Then, with the help of the air force, Ernie sets off for Monte Carlo instead and.....

54. Bilko Enters Politics

First aired 5 February 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Arnie Rosen/Coleman Jacoby

The mayor of Roseville won't build a deluxe servicemen's centre for Bilko. So Ernie masterminds a campaign to get Doberman elected to the office of mayor. With slogans like 'Insane about Duane' he wipes the floor with the opposition - that is until Doberman addresses his people in person.

55. Bilko's Television Idea

First aired 12 February 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg

When the TV network decides that funny man Buddy Bickford is losing his comic appeal they send him and two writers to Fort Baxter to research background for a new army comedy show. Bilko sees it as an opportunity to make a load of money and tries to sell Bickford a series called 'Andrew Armstrong - Tree Surgeon', having primed the rest of his platoon to crack-up with laughter at the mention of any kind of wood.

Trivia: Buddy Bickford’s catchphrase ‘I-Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee-Do’

56. The Son of Bilko

First aired 26 February 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/ Billy Friedberg/Arnie Rosen/Coleman Jacoby

Bilko's paternal approach to the welfare of his men is put under strain when a young draftee, 18 years-old Private Perkins, is assigned to his platoon. Perkins has been thrown out of fourteen other army camps!! He starts a succession of practical jokes on the platoon: blowing reveille in the middle of the night, forging Ernie's signature etc. Bilko decides to get his own back and......

57. Rock 'n' Roll Rookie

First aired 5 March 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg

The Pentagon has a problem - they cannot find a suitable camp for their newly drafted GI, Elvin Pelvin. The problem is he's a famous Rock'n'Roll star and wherever he goes screaming girls find him. The top brass decide to send him to a quiet camp, Fort Baxter, not reckoning on a certain Sergeant Ernest G Bilko.

Trivia: Private 'Sugie' Sugarman referred to as 'Thompson' in this show.

58. Bilko's Black Magic

First aired 19 March 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Tony Webster/Billy Friedberg

Since 1942 Private Lester Mendelsohn has been marooned on a Pacific Island living on nothing but coconuts and fish. He's now a member of Bilko's platoon and he receives back pay totalling $7456.38. Bilko can't wait to get his hands on him after Lester returns from collecting the money. On the way back to the barracks Lester bumps into Ritzik and Grover and they clean him out at poker in 5 minutes. Ernie vows revenge and spreads a story around that Lester is into voodoo and that the God Goombar curses anyone who takes advantage of Lester.

59. Bilko Goes South

First aired 26 March 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Lou Meltzer

The camp is in the grips of a cold snap, minus 18 degrees to be precise. Bilko catches 'Florida' fever but the MO doesn't fall for his story. He decides he'll get to Florida via the army singing contests finals that are being held in Miami. Bilko has all contest forms sent to the motor pool, he keeps one and burns the rest. Then he gets every platoon member to sign the form, not realizing they are volunteering to be bitten by mosquitoes carrying the Caledonian Fungal fever.

60. Bilko Goes Round the World

First aired 2 April 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/ Billy Friedberg/Tony Webster

Bilko phones Mike Todd to suggest some publicity for his new film Around the World in Eighty Days: a $20,000 prize for the first person to go around the world in eighty hours. Ernie intends to get the money himself with the help of the US Air force. But at one airport change-over he inadvertently drops his ‘Priority Emergency Baggage’ tag on a 10-year-old boy. 

Trivia: Playing himself in this episode is Mike Todd

61. The Mess Hall Mess

First aired 9 April 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Terry Ryan

Sick of army food Bilko goes to a local French restaurant. Whilst there he discovers a casserole dish that is fantastic, 'Casserole A la Boudreaux', he thinks it could win the contest for the best American dish, worth $50000. However the chef and owner of the restaurant, Marcel, won't give up the recipe for anything - so Ernie tries........

62. The Secret Life of Sergeant Bilko

First aired 16 April 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Terry Ryan

Ray Barker, an investigative reporter for the New York Globe newspaper comes to Fort Baxter to look for a story on GI's leaking defence secrets. Paparelli spots him and soon Bilko is selling him 'classified' plans, like 'Project Boom-Boom' - Ernie goes on to show Barker the "plans" of the sewage disposal system and diagrams of how Doberman's trousers are to be let out.

63. Radio Station B.I.L.K.O. (aka Radio Station W.B.B.H.)

First aired 23 April 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Terry Ryan

When Bill Nieman announces the closure of the Roseville radio station, Bilko takes over the frequencies using the army Signal Corps equipment. Bilko gets local shopkeepers to advertise on his new station, WBBH. The programmes on the air include: Rupert Ritzik's 'Kitchen Magic', 'Lonesome Pierre', 'The Irish Tenor', and 'John's Original Wife' - which is actually the colonel and his wife being secretly recorded as a soap opera.

64. Bilko the Marriage Broker

First aired 30 April 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg/Coleman Jacoby/Arnie Rosen/Terry Ryan

New company commander, Lieutenant Wallace is making life hell for Bilko and his men. He has the platoon doing exercises and even drills on a daily basis. Ernie thinks what Wallace needs is a woman. So he tries to get him married off to a new WAC, Lieutenant Rogers but........

65. Bilko Acres

First aired 7 May 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg

A 'TANGERINE' rumour spreads throughout Fort Baxter that everybody is leaving to be shipped overseas and the camp left deserted. Ernie says it can only mean one thing 'that Fort Baxter is to be enlarged.' So he buys 25 acres of land, adjacent to the camp, known as Bimmelman's swamp. Then he tries selling off parts of it to the public under the name of 'Paradise Acres' a new town. 

Trivia: First appearance of Miss Wigman the Librarian.

66. The Big Scandal

First aired 14 May 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Charles Friedman

A professional hypnotist turns up at Fort Baxter. After watching him, Bilko sees a chance to get some money. He tries his own brand of hypnosis on Ritzik and tries to make him fall in love with Nell Hall, the colonel's wife. Rupert laughs at Ernie's attempts but unbeknown to everyone one person has succumbed - Duane Doberman.

67. Bilko's Perfect Day

First aired 21 May 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/ Billy Friedberg/Terry Ryan

The Gods decide it's Bilkos' turn to have a day where everything he says or does comes true. The shower is freezing but scorching for Ernie. He, unwittingly, helps Doberman guess how many jelly beans are in the jar. Then he randomly picks eight out of eight winners in the days horse races. Bilko realises what’s happening then.....

68. The Colonel Breaks Par

First aired 28 May 1957 - Written by Sydney Zelinka/Andrew Russell/Nat Hiken//Billy Friedberg

Ernie plans to get Colonel Hall into a big golf tournament in Palm Springs, but first he must convince him that he is good enough. He gets his old army buddy, Sam Snead, to hit the ball when the colonel shuts his eyes and swings on the tee. Bilko magnetises all of the golf green cups too. And the colonel goes around in a record score!!

Trivia: Playing himself in this episode is Sam Snead.

69. Show Segments (aka Show Elements)

First aired 4 June 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken/Billy Friedberg

Members of the cast meet in Lindy's restaurant on Broadway for a light lunch before rehearsal. Ed Sullivan meets them there and together they watch scenes that have been "supposedly" cut from past shows.  Scenes include; Ernie auditioning for The Ed Sullivan Show, Ritzik & Grover trying to win a bet from Ernie, Ernie showing the platoon a picture of the gorgeous Seymour Lamour.

Trivia: Playing himself in this episode is Ed Sullivan.

70. His Highness, Doberman

First aired 11 June 1957 - Written by Andrew Russell/Sydney Zelinka/Billy Friedberg

Doberman starts dating Lillian Middleton, the daughter of the President of Consolidated Iron and Steel, a millionaire businessman. But he is thrown out of the Middleton house when Lillian’s mother discovers he is just a soldier. Bilko is enraged at the insult and convinces everyone that Duane is in fact His Highness Crown Prince Doberman friend to Princess Grace and Edward and Wallis!!